PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
You Might Also Like
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Basketball
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train