PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
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HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine