Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
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I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys