Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
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they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Midwest trash talk
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
According to my fitness app, I ate 5 miles of Chicken Parm
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
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5.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
good morning
