Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
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Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Banana is the quietest snack
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
and now we wait
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes