Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

satan: welcome to hell

me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?

s: yup all you can read!

m: wow!

s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?

me, nervously: yes..why?

*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*

m: aw hell

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.

“Mummy, you look pretty today.”

If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

My text: Have a good day at school!

My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.

You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

i’m gonna allow it

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.

that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

A recipe for laughter

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I’m a seismologist.

Me: No way! Can you…

Date: Please don’t.

Me: …guess my height?

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…