Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
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A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
It’s always good to know what’s happening in astrology. When nothing seems to be going right, you can blame the stars.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Can you even imagine the pressure of being a janitor at MIT?
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
My 6yo daughter’s teacher just gave me a “Most Improved Ponytail” award.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?