@daniel_shaw

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

You Might Also Like

@TrueTorontoGirl

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.

@TheBeerGuy73

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

@ArfMeasures

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

@sageboggs

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

@SilverKick

It’s always good to know what’s happening in astrology. When nothing seems to be going right, you can blame the stars.

@Petote

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

@ewfeez

Can you even imagine the pressure of being a janitor at MIT?

@envydatropic

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

@The_JRM

My 6yo daughter’s teacher just gave me a “Most Improved Ponytail” award.

@mjs03093641

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. Whatโ€™s up with you?