Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
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OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Trumpy Cat
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
what it’s like dating me:
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.