Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.

Scammers: Hi!

Me: Not like that.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

Labreador

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

[being stabbed]

me: please, just do one thing for me…

murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

* My life flashes before my eyes*

Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”