@AlanFelyk

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*

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@teacup_giraffe

You go for a run then post your route to Facebook. I dig a hole on that route then cover it with sticks and leaves. We both get exercise.

@LizHackett

Doing a low-budget but equally spiritually fulfilling version of Eat, Pray, Love entitled Gas Station, CVS, Return A Dress To Macy’s.

@StuForReal

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

@krissywillbretz

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

@Brampersandon_

[Super Villain Team Tryouts]

COACH: Tell me what you can do

MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal

LOKI: I’m a god

THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!

@bgdadyspnkbtm

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

@internetluke

[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”

@LunaKayne

….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: on holiday, what do you miss most about your work?

Me: lol I think I’m hearing the question wrong

@UncleDuke1969

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.