[family using ouija board after my death]
brother: how is heaven?
me: S U C K S
me: N O D R U G S
brother: [nervously laughing] he’s prolly kidding haha dude moms here too
me: J K M O M H A H A
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
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I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
There’s a guy sitting here on a typewriter. A typewriter. I don’t know if he’s a hipster or a ghost but either way I want no part of it.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you’re a dumb ass and you make poor decisions.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us