@AlanFelyk

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*

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@randypaint

[family using ouija board after my death]

brother: how is heaven?

me: S U C K S

brother: why?

me: N O D R U G S

brother: [nervously laughing] he’s prolly kidding haha dude moms here too

me: J K M O M H A H A

@_Tempo11

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

@bighandsmassuer

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

@VolatileVani

There’s a guy sitting here on a typewriter. A typewriter. I don’t know if he’s a hipster or a ghost but either way I want no part of it.

@WilliamAder

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

@KateWhineHall

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

@newcastlecourt

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

@Taryn_

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you’re a dumb ass and you make poor decisions.

@ArfMeasures

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us