Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
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Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
How your email finds me
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.