Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
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Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”