Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you

ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.

ARRESTING OFFICER: No.

walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.