Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

how to exercise your calf muscles

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]

robber: why are u wearing a glove

me: I meant to grab my bat lol

robber: lol

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

Who called it baking and not making love

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

My work here is done

I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.

My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.