PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
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“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
New skill unlocked
@ candidates for local office
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
got so much cardio in today
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion