PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
anyone else like Italian cereal
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Hmm 🧐
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen