PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
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On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Saw this yesterday lol
my name if I was in the mob
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him