Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
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The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
as cold as it is i may take up that offer for a ride in that windowless van
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
happy friday
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
much to think about
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
What if the weather talks about us?
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life