Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

“Everybody freeze!”
-November

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

what could possibly go wrong?

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first