Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake

imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

When in doubt…

1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

Who chose this font

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”