Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
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[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Oh. My. God.
first you must answer his riddles
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung