Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?

we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

I am HOWLING at this

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?

Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!