Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like sleeping!

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.

Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.

Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.

If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!

If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

[Starts to open package of cheese]

[Hears kids running towards kitchen]

[Escapes with cheese to car]

[Drives 5 hours to hotel]

[Checks into room]

[Starts to open package of cheese]

My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!

is the plural of judas judasses or judi

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying