Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
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“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”