Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

Pilot: There’s a loose…

Engineer: Tape.

P: And some rivets hav…

E: Tape.

P: Also signs of metal fatigu…

E: Tape.

P: And a panel is missi…

E: Tape.

P: Hydraulic failu…

E: Tape.

P: Th…

E: Tape.

P:

E: Tape.

How do you like your Corgi?

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”

– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt