Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
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Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed