Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
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I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
doing some research
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.