Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
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When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway
when revenge coincides with naptime
Hell yeah 👍
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business