Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
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All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.