Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
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[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
How dude HOW?!
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.