Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Banana is the quietest snack

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word

Me: Hired

Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

kool-aid man: you’re grounded

kool-aid son: I hate you!

kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–

kool-aid son: *uses door normally*

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut

me: sorry, we only accept cash

manager: can i talk to you

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

#MeanwhileInCanada

How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?