Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

“Don’t ask.”

Oh. I wasn’t even listening.

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]

I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

Free, you racist.

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

No, I would NEVER put you on mute

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team