Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?

ME: No but I have a sexy stapler

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

My dad teaching me to drive

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.