Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever

Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.

Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

Finally, an instrument I can play!

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm

I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese

Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

I basically have 3 hairstyles…

Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.