Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

[debate]

ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

For those that worship cheese..

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.