Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭

she has a smile full of sesame seeds

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

is this meant to deter me

Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: …
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Dog: ..
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)