Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
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i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
The Backseat Boys
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Churches be like pew pew pew
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke