Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
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Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
concern
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away