Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
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Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???