Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby
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Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
u spoke cat all this time??????
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Well, that didn’t work.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
lol
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet