Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
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My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
I’m going to start the new year with some spring cleaning. It won’t take long because I don’t own many springs.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
it is time once again
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Actually cracking up @ this
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you