Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her

How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.

me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.