Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
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Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I hate that haircuts make me so sleepy. My hairdresser will be trying to have a nice conversation with me and I’m just like “mmmm… night… love you…”
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family