Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
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A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.