Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
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[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…