Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.

“Next house. This one’s been done already.”

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it

No one:

My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

In case you needed to hear it:

Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

[company all-hands Zoom call]

CEO: The future is ahead of us!

Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.