Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.

~ Theresa May

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

How old people make use of canes:

10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

[Batman Begins]

BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think

ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!

Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

Yes. these are prescription Oreos.