pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
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Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Weighing up my bread heating options
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Nice try Hitler
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.