Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
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Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.