Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.

Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?

Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”

“Honey, have you seen the cat?”

– Mrs. Schrödinger

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?

Sidewalks™

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

This is the one

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

[During sex]

*Knock on the door*

Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend

Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?

Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!

Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…

Woman: What?

Man: Karen, I’m your husband!