Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade

New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

thought we’d see more kids named goku by now

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

yikes

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

Good morning

We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.

We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably