Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
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You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.