@UnFitz

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

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@NervousJr

Oh you have a hard time gaining weight?

That’s cool.

Here, hold this grenade.

@dog_feelings

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

@SteveSuckington

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

@KentWGraham

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

@marinhubka

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

@BlindChow

*uses Oujia board*

?????? ???? ?????

me: what’s updog?

??? ????, ???, ???? ????? ?? ??????? ???? ???

me: what

cat: what

@newLettuce

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

@CulturedRuffian

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.