Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

Iron Man: *eats chips*

Ant Man: *eats microchips*

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

Who else does this 🤦🏽😂

The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

[at the office]

Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.

Me: When did it arrive?

Secretary: 1983.

Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.

Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.