pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
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Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.