pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
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To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
the duality of man
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it