pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
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Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
you can only post this today
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
birds and squirrels envy us
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Sorry. Not sorry
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice