pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
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my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
