pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
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Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Admin smashed it 😂
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive