PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
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My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Aight bet
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*