Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

they see me scrollin

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.

The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.

Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday