Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly

Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*

Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*

This guy must be getting annoyed by now

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside

Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

“I love Worcestershire sauce.”

“What’s so special about it?”

“It’s hard to say.”

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”