Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
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Real 😅
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”