PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
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Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
spicy snake
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.