Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.

People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.

13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀

*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”