Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.

Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.

Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.

[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

😂😂

Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me

The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons