pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
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Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Gas station lines at 2 am:
Dance like you’re not the father
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.