pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
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I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
How I like cutting carbs
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.