pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
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‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
No, he would not have.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.