Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

Them: What’s your writing process like?

Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.

My writing process:

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

kitchen magnet

How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.

Please don’t block me.

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!

Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself