pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
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A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
A couple who are silly together stay together.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.