pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
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A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
The two types of wives
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Can. I. Help. You.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
cry laughing at this shit
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*