Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.

one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

*plot twist*

plot: ouch!!!

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark