Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.

“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours

I have never heard an armadillo before.

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected

ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”

By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.

A short story of betrayal:

Narrator: they had a son born in 2001

Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon