pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
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me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.