Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.

Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

Good morning

Wow 🤣

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming