Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women

Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.

I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.

True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies

A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge

Muppet Screams

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”