Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.

Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

Hang in there buddy

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

Spent two days in bed with the flu and didn’t have to make dinner. So now I’m thinking about pulling a Grandpa Joe and staying in bed to get out of making dinner for another decade

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!

Shoulder angel:

Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

Cashier: How are you today?

Me: You too.

🤦🏻‍♂️

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?

“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight