Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

Me My dog

[seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”

“Covid.”

“Toddlers.”

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

him: I got a new tattoo

me: what is it

him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work

me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt

him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat

and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

lost dog

A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

me: hi do you take walk-ins

the morgue: what

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

he was correct

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this