Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?

Me: um yes. I’m married.

CG: *shrugs* your loss.

Me:

CG:

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

Them: Question everything.

Me: Why?

How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?

Me: What?

7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS

Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.

7yo: WHOA 🤯

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.