Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….

over 7k tabs down the drain….

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

HARRY POTTER: 🙁

DUMBLEDORE: 🙁

VOLDEMORT: : (

in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.

When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.