Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?

Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career

I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

[at a chemistry convention]

Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”

Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”

Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

spider-man: weird your rug looks just like a giant piece of paper

me: [sneaking up behind him with enormous cup] that 𝑖𝑠 weird

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER