Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.

The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché

This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

*on hold for over an hour

That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.

It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.