Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!

Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.

When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.

I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

Ever since CATS come out things have been way off

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?

Orion’s belt? Waist of space!

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

Tuesday

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.